


Don't Enter

by MaK



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Regret, self-hate, this isn't a happy fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2013-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-09 21:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/778204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaK/pseuds/MaK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat attempts to write down his emotions to get over them, as Rose has instructed and encourages. </p><p>He can't do it. His thoughts are better in his head than they are on paper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Enter

**Author's Note:**

> Like the tags say, self-hatred and a not very happy fanfic. You've been warned.

Despite the long, never ending memos you used to create and disband a sweep and a half ago, you've never really been one for writing. The fact is making itself excessively apparent was you stare down at the leather bound book in your hand, feeling somewhat shitty for Rose having to go through the trouble of alchemizing it so you could express yourself privately when, instead, you've spent the last two hours drawing various, unfinished creations on the sides of the margins and whatnot. You've never been one for drawing, either. 

Your face scrunches up and you feel the pressure above the bridge of your nose as you allow the book to fall from your lap, staring down at the mess of pages and leather and dust at your feet. You recognize the warm, sweaty feeling of your hands pressed against your temples and it make you want to pound your head further into the ground. Why the fuck is your blood cherry red? What sort of shitty color is that, anyway? And why the hell does it have to burn higher than the goddamn Green Sun? Why? And, if you didn't hate yourself so much, you might even question, "Why me?"

But, you do hate yourself. And on that thought, it only brings on a tidal wave of memories and words that have been encased in your mind ever since they became apparent. 

For one, and one that seems to ring frequently but now with less pain, the death of Nepeta and Equius. Sure, they weren't ever particularly close to you, and you often rolled your eyes when you mentioned them as friends, but they were your friends, nonetheless. Even if Equius thought you were a piece of shit, and was right, and Nepeta had some sort of crush on you neither of you really had the guts to address properly. The train of thought chugs on, and you feel a bit guilty for ignoring Nepeta's feelings so blatantly when yours and Terezi's relationship didn't even evolve into anything. You could ponder more, wonder about the complex intricacies that would make yours and Nepeta's nonexistent redrom work, but Terezi is a completely different topic and your thoughts are latched onto it in less that a minute. 

Your frown seems to dig into your cheeks as your eyebrows continue to scrunch together as you remember the relationship you and Terezi once held between one another. Of course, it's completely gone now, only living by the meager, disgusting little stretch of feelings you have for her. Sometimes, you think, you hate her. She can be dumb and annoying. But, you love her, too. She's beautiful and her personality can be charming, at times. You also want to be her friend. Maybe even her best friend, though Vriska and her were pretty secure in the mysterious quadrants of "best friends." Which doesn't exist, by the way. You remind yourself once again that you want her in every single fucking quadrant like a stupid, loveless fool. 

Terezi sucks. 

Sucks in a totally amazing way that only she can suck in.

So why the fuck is she with your ex-moirail?

That relationship confuses you out of your entire entity. Like, why the hell would she want to even be around that stupid piece of fuckery? All he ever does is spit bullshit and drink those shitty sodas, running off to do some stupid shit in his fake god tier costume, like the disgusting tool he is. Then again, you never have understood the black quadrant. It confuses you. Terezi confuses you. Gamzee does, too. 

However, after awhile, you haven't cared about Gamzee. He sucks, plain and simple, and the friendship has ran its course and you honestly don't want, nor need, to deal with his endless rain of shit and stupid religious rhymes. You don't need to deal with his dumb ideals and the tiny fucking cult he's making.

You don't want to deal with it and you haven't. Sure, he broke the relationship, but you're happy it's over. It's a lot of weight off your shoulders. 

Your shoulders sag a bit as you continue to stare down at the conjunction of dust and paper and other shit between your heels. Your right hand is beginning to fall asleep as the blood starts to gurgle in your elbow, unwilling and too lazy to spread into the veins going into your arms. Your disgusting, red veins that crawl under every inch of your body. 

On the topic of blood, you wonder about Kanaya.

And Rose. 

You don't understand Dave's deal with Rose. She seems fine and cheery to you, though wobbly and frequently drunk. But, if she's happy, she's happy, right?

She's not really your problem, anyway. She annoyed you at first and she annoys you know, but admittedly less. You care more about Kanaya. Or maybe you don't? Your friendship is basically nonexistent now and she's far too busy fussing over Rose to even give you a wave or a hello. But, you assume she's happy as well. She's got a girlfriend, even when her last one broke her heart, and though she's stressed, she's happy. You bet she'll figure it out. 

And, if she doesn't, you'll make her. You're her leader. You're everyone's leader, you realize. You have to steer people in the right direction. Why can't you be a Seer of Light? 

Why can't you be a lot of things?

You watch in disgust as your vision fuzzes in a soft, red manner and you watch as red stains begin to form on the book below you. The soft tap of your tears against leather is barely heard, but your ears twitch toward it anyway.

Why couldn't you be a leader? Why couldn't you help your friends? Why couldn't you have watched Gamzee more? Why didn't you bring more fucking sopor slime? Why did you let Nepeta and Gamzee die? What about Eridan and Feferi? Vriska? Why hadn't you been more clear about your feelings with Terezi? 

Why are you such a fucking idiot?

And you feel even worse now that you've forgotten about Eridan and Feferi. And, as you think about that, Vriska and Tavros. You were never close with them, not at all. Eridan and you were gossip buddies, sure, but you wouldn't care to label him as anything above a "pal." Tavros was weak and could frequently act like a piece of shit dick, but he had a nice heart and had his mind in the right spot more than not. Vriska was a huge bitch, plain and simple, but she could have done a lot better if you had put in the fucking energy to help her out and make her less selfish and whatever else she had going on. 

You never really talked to Feferi.

It makes you feel worse.

Your tears continue to spill down your cheeks and your eyebrows become lighter, your entire body driving on sadness rather than anger and frustration.

At least you have Dave, you begin to think.

Dave was an annoying piece of shit and he still can be. However, overtime, he's become a little less insecure and he's warmed up to you, and you've warmed up to him. He's great when he's not a douche. 

But he can still be a douche, and that makes you smile a little. At least you have a small form of a constant in your life.

Your dreadful, meaningless life.

You aren't smiling anymore.

In fact, you frowning so hard you've fallen on top of the book and you're sobbing into the sleeves of your shirt. You're a pathetic, stupid mess and you have no right to call yourself a leader.

Hopefully no one comes in here.


End file.
